Thursday, August 13, 2015

Soul Searching

Today my sister asked me how my relationship with God was going.  Just recently I asked her, so it was a fair question. While I am in a confused phase at the moment, I realized when I answered my sister that I'm not falling apart. I'm actually picking up the pieces and figuring out a new picture to my belief system.

My ideas have risen up from different philosophies, including Ayn Rand, Taoism, and Christianity. A few speckles of Islam, Judaism, and communism also align my views. However, I am now accepting  my questioning state of mind. I figure it's alright to question.

I told my sister, Scarlett, that my relationship with God is alright. I'm still a highly spiritual person, it's just in my nature. My problem lies deep with Jesus, with hell. With all the different religions, how are we supposed to know the right one? My relationship with God is good, it's almost friendly. I mean, I am in love with his creation. But i still argue with him. I wish it was easy.

It's funny how we start questioning and rethinking our faith. For me, I was a strong Christian until one random day, my sophomore year of college, while I was sitting in the middle of the first floor of the college library. It struck me immediately that my faith had changed. I felt a loss, confused, depressed. I could almost not deal with it. A year later, I go on a study abroad class to England to study Shakespeare and I feel a sort of renewal of my faith. Although I'm not exactly sure what I believe in. I felt closer to God again. I could see His hand. He...She... I don't even want to think about that debate going inside my head right now. But I saw God, or at least an angel of God. My grandmother. Inside Westminster Abbey. A light grey bird flew up to the circle window in front of me while the choir sang some Ave Maria songs. It was beautiful, enlightening.
Then I knew my faith was growing. But I still had so may questions. Then a coworker during my summer job referred me to his Catholic friend. I talked to him for around five minutes. Enlightenment occurred, in some format. The fundamental truth he explained to me was that God exists, and that love is of the utmost importance. Strange.

My questions have not all been answered, but at least now I know it's okay. Me, I forgave myself for being in this state, and that's allowed so much relief of  patience.